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eXTReMe Tracker
 
Thursday, July 06, 2006

To Sleep....per chance to dream

So, on Saturday night I finally took a sleep-aid. It was some homeopathic remedy and it surely did the trick. I actually slept through most of the night. And then on Sunday I continued the trend with several naps.

With the insomnia, I've had some issues distinguishing the difference between what I would dream and what was reality. I'd refer to a conversation that I thought I had with someone, when in reality it was a conversation I had with them in one of my lucid half-asleep insomnia-induced dreams. Crazy.

All the sleep is affecting me. I say "all" the sleep - when it's actually maybe 6 or 7 hours a night. My body and mind are all out-of-whack. I assume it is stress and in-my-head issues that have caused this year and a half-long bout of insomnia. I wake up and I am filled with sadness, disappointment, hurt, fear, anger, and overall melancholy. (I guess that's what happens when you sleep longer than a 20-minute spurt.) It dissapates after about an hour after waking up, but pieces of it haunt me all day. I try to battle it with positive thinking and hope.

Oddly, I think the root of all my sadness is fatigue. I'm tired. Tired of not being enough. Tired of being disposable, forgettable and unnecessary. Tired of working so hard -- only to be used and tossed aside. Then I'm disappointed that there's not enough to me to keep people interested and then comes the hurt and anger.

<conceit>
I'm going to say something here that is compeletely out of character for me....I would love to have a friend like me. You know why? Because I know how much love is in my heart and I know how loyal, generous, and trustworthy I am. I would pretty much do close to anything for someone I care about. As far as friends go, I don't think it gets much better than me. </conceit>

On the boy side, I know my lot. I'm not the cutesy type that boys want to make their girlfriend. I know I'm destined to always be one of the many. I'm the one who's always up for whatever, can carry a conversation, and is available when all the cutesies are busy. And if one of the cutesies happens to be where we're at, I know not to cock-block. I'm not gonna lie and say I'm okay with it, because I'm really not. I want to be enough to be the only girl. I'd be kick-ass at that too.

Mostly, I'm frustrated with how I've been pushed aside in the past year. I've been working through it and I think I'm nearing the end of the mourning process. And I obviously need to make changes moving forward.

See what happens when I sleep? I get all wah-wah poor me. :-)

8:46 AM                       1 Comments




 

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