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eXTReMe Tracker
Thursday, July 06, 2006

To Sleep....per chance to dream

So, on Saturday night I finally took a sleep-aid. It was some homeopathic remedy and it surely did the trick. I actually slept through most of the night. And then on Sunday I continued the trend with several naps.

With the insomnia, I've had some issues distinguishing the difference between what I would dream and what was reality. I'd refer to a conversation that I thought I had with someone, when in reality it was a conversation I had with them in one of my lucid half-asleep insomnia-induced dreams. Crazy.

All the sleep is affecting me. I say "all" the sleep - when it's actually maybe 6 or 7 hours a night. My body and mind are all out-of-whack. I assume it is stress and in-my-head issues that have caused this year and a half-long bout of insomnia. I wake up and I am filled with sadness, disappointment, hurt, fear, anger, and overall melancholy. (I guess that's what happens when you sleep longer than a 20-minute spurt.) It dissapates after about an hour after waking up, but pieces of it haunt me all day. I try to battle it with positive thinking and hope.

Oddly, I think the root of all my sadness is fatigue. I'm tired. Tired of not being enough. Tired of being disposable, forgettable and unnecessary. Tired of working so hard -- only to be used and tossed aside. Then I'm disappointed that there's not enough to me to keep people interested and then comes the hurt and anger.

I'm going to say something here that is compeletely out of character for me....I would love to have a friend like me. You know why? Because I know how much love is in my heart and I know how loyal, generous, and trustworthy I am. I would pretty much do close to anything for someone I care about. As far as friends go, I don't think it gets much better than me. </conceit>

On the boy side, I know my lot. I'm not the cutesy type that boys want to make their girlfriend. I know I'm destined to always be one of the many. I'm the one who's always up for whatever, can carry a conversation, and is available when all the cutesies are busy. And if one of the cutesies happens to be where we're at, I know not to cock-block. I'm not gonna lie and say I'm okay with it, because I'm really not. I want to be enough to be the only girl. I'd be kick-ass at that too.

Mostly, I'm frustrated with how I've been pushed aside in the past year. I've been working through it and I think I'm nearing the end of the mourning process. And I obviously need to make changes moving forward.

See what happens when I sleep? I get all wah-wah poor me. :-)

8:46 AM                       1 Comments


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